Well, if you don't, you aren't going to be filled in.
So, that sniper who's killing everyone needs to be stopped. GW won't do it! All those old bastards in the White House won't do it! So, it's obviously, after process of elimination, left up to me.
Now, here's my plan, to catch...The Sniper.
1) Get into The Sniper's mind:
Lets face it, Mr.Sniper is probably some acne ridden teen who wanted to be infamous. He probably gets beat up at school, goes home and plays Zelda, then drinks Dr.Pepper, eats cheetos, and dies(til the next day of course). We must review in short, what a day for Mr.Sniper is like.
*Mr.Sniper goes to school*
"Hey there *one of the Sniper's peers*"
*punch in the gut*
*Mr.Sniper cries and gets a wedgie*
*Mr.Sniper goes to class and gets STRAIGHT A++++'s*
*Mr.Sniper, who I'm assuming is 17, takes his little old station wagon home, crying all the way*
*Mr.Sniper eats a brownie*
*Mr.Sniper goes and takes a shit and doesn't wipe his ass*
*Mr.Sniper plays Zelda*
*Mr.Sniper grabs some Dr.Pepper and Cheetos*
*Mr.Sniper, respectfully, dies*
So, Mr.Sniper, what with all the shit taking and wedgie getting he receives, must have developed a keen hatred of humanity. Not to mention, Mr.Sniper's a violent video game addict. That little thing from Zelda may not look too damned violent, but when provoked...well, lets not divulge that little secret.
2)Offer The Sniper something he'd like:
So, it's simple, to catch The Sniper, you must give him something he'd enjoy. To put it simple, leave a trail of video games outside a gas station. Sure, a bunch of geeks will come, but look for the one with a fucking rifle.
3)Get to know his victims:
Now, we think these are all random shootings, but, I know better. The Sniper is shooting people who have something he'd like. Unlike your forensics experts and power rangers up in Washington, I've dug a little deeper. If you notice what all those people had purchased, I think you'd be pleasantly surprised.
DR.PEPPER AND CHEETOS!
So, The Sniper isn't taking out innocent civilians. He's taking out innocent civilians with his junky food that he eats after playing Zelda before he dies.
4)Now, how will we know we lured the right geek with a rifle? Complicated, yes. Impossible, no. We will eat Dr.Pepper and Cheetos in front of said geek until he either shoots us or asks if he can go die. If he does the former more so than the latter, we will have our guy.
I'm not volunteering for this part, because if The Sniper does shoot, I'm not taking a bullet for the hometeam.
What, get realistic.
See, see how well my Sniper catching plan works out. Our alternative, as always, is to let him wear himself out til he can kill no longer.
But that's no fun, and then I'm just stuck here, drinking Dr.Pepper, eating Cheetos, and playing Zelda.