Matilda da Midget (llueve_nublado) wrote in bad_reviews_inc,
Matilda da Midget

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The Democratic Primaries.

Yes, it's that time again. No, not the time when we all run to the polls to decide who will rule us for the next four years, that other time, when we decide who will be put into the running to run us for the next four years. Confused yet? Good.
As most of you know, Americans are twats. I say that with quite the proof. From people thinking "George 'Dubya' Bush" is a pimp to people thinking "Dick Cheney" is the name of a strip club. Heck, lets face it folks, some of our cracker back southern friends think good ole "Condoleeza Rice" is the name of a new nigger food, like Uncle Bens, Aunt Jemina, or Strom Thurmonds' Mulatto Crunch(ten times the hypocrit, half the race).
So, I, your ever watchful friend, have decided to help you, the American public along in your decision of choosing the Democratic candidate.

First up, Howard Dean.
Alright, you all know him as the frontrunner. He's the leader of this party. The place the democrats are going. Which is fine if you want to go to a place where you're either democratic or being killed for believing in different ideals. At first, I thought Howard Dean might make some sense. Despite his democratic tendancies. However, when your campaign consists of nothing but saying that the American Flag doesn't belong to Republicans whom you personally have issues with, then I have to restate my opinion. The decision of who runs your country shouldn't be placed upon a giant smear campaign, rather it should be placed upon how the candidate addresses the issues. Now, if the issue was as to whom the American Flag belonged to and why Rush Limbaugh isn't your best friend, well, Howard Dean would be the best for the job. Unfortunately, the issues range from what to do with the crisis caused by this administration in international affairs to how to save our economy from total collapse. Actually, this is a smooth transition to...
John Kerry. Now, normally, I critique politicians based upon their stance on the issues. However, before I can do this, I must say, what the fuck is with this guys' face? Have you ever seen a face as ugly and repulsive as this one? How'd he get that Heinz chick to marry him and give him all her money? Maybe it's a good thing that he knows how to deceive people to his advantage, yet, if he ran this country, I wouldn't be able to get over that droopy face. Jesus, took me two years to get over Dubyas' ears. Then, you have his whole "I was a veteran" bullshit. What a load of...oh lets just say shit. Veteran? Since when did hiding in a grass shack with Vietnamese prostitutes turn into being a veteran? You shoot blanks in bed, how do you expect to shoot bullets on a field? Ha, you couldn't penetrate a cheesy hooker on her last dime, let alone penetrate enemy lines. Why don't you go back to licking your ketchup covered fortune built upon lies and leave us good Americans alone?
Then we've got the rest of the candidates who I'm sure you haven't heard of. So, without further ado:
Dennis Kucinich. I saw a woman wearing a pin promoting him and thought that it was something her son had made for her in art school.
Joe Lieberman. His partner screwed him over and then Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean. OH SNAP!
Dick Gephardt. I'm sorry, but, I don't want the leader of Aryan Nation running my country under this assumed alias.
General Wesley Clark. The Republicans pissed him off, so now he's running to be spiteful. What a woman. Not only that, his own troops hated him. And the public is supposed to love him now?
John Edwards. He announced his candidacy on the Daily Show. I don't think I need to say more.
And now, the obligatory Nigger woman candidate, Carol Mosley Braun. She's only here to fill a space in the status quo, left empty by Elizabeth Dole(thank god). She uses her family to debate issues in 20 minute long stories that have a hardly discernable point somewhere in them. Lets face it, no one wants a woman running the country. Their place is in the kitchen, not in the Oval Office. Plus she's a nigger. Yah, enough said.
Now I know you're scratching your heads. "All these candidates suck, how am I supposed to vote?". Well, this is where I help. For, there is one candidate we have completely forgotten. The true winner of the Democratic Party, the man you have all been waiting for: The Reverend Al Sharpton.
Yes, Al Sharpton. Now, some may say "He's just a crazy watermelon eater." But for those of us more educated in politics, we know better. Al Sharpton is the future. Not only does he possess the intelligence we need in the Whitehouse, he also possesses the ideal male physique to be modelled by his people. A man of principal and fried chicken, Al is sure to never let us down. So, vote for a winner.

Yes, now you're more educated to go out there and choose your Democratic candidate. And I'm sure this unbiased(vote Sharpton) report has helped you along in your decision. Have fun at the polls and remember, a vote for a nigger is never a vote for progress.
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