Matilda da Midget (llueve_nublado) wrote in bad_reviews_inc,
Matilda da Midget

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Vote Libertarian.

President of like...a a BIG responsibility and that is why I take this very seriously. In my President, I want a man with at least one mockable physical deformity. I don't want someone who looks normal, perhaps even on some level handsome like Howard Dean or Bill Clinton; I want a man who has an obvious case of elephantitis, like GW and his ears or JFK the next generation with his desperately-in-need-of-botox chin. I also want a man who can lie about his military career like never before. GW pretending to have beena veteran is drop dead sexy and Kerry - a proven demonstrator against the war in 'Nam - saying he fully supported the war and did his duty is down right hot. Actually, being a vet is such a major turnoff (can you SAY Ulysses S. Grant), I want only a man who's a liar and a hypocrit to run my country(yah, lay down the law baby!). I want for my president to have unrealistic goals that will suck the money out of our economy until this nation comes to resemble Ethiopia. Like, when George wants to wipe out terrorism, like that will ever happen. And then he wastes billions of dollars on it. That's just soooooooooo attractive. Why, it's almost as much of a turn on as John Kerry who wants to provide healthcare for all. I mean, when your economy is this unstable, that would TOTALLY drain it.
Now the hard part. In my President I'm looking for a man who runs his country based upon Christian Faith. I don't want a man who does things like support the extension of civil liberties to new communities or a womans' right to choose. But I also want a man who had to buy his way into politics by marrying an heiress. Sure, inheriting the pseudo-throne from your father is cool, but I'm looking for a man who if he hadn't banged the Ketchup Queen, wouldn't be where he is today. I want my President to be able to aggravate the UN and friendly nations by breaking all sorts of previously set up agreements. For me, the perfect President is one who's IQ rivals that of a chimp and can choke on pretzels. For me, the man to be sworn in should use low attacks to buy him votes. I'm not looking for some guy who's honest, has integrity, knows how to stabilize the economy, and can really make something of this country. I instead want a filthy liar who doesn't stand a chance. That's why when 2004 election year comes around, I'm going to be so lost. How can I keep true to voting for only one party when I'm in love with both the Democrats AND the Republicans? Oh, this is going to be harder than trying to spell "dog" without the "aw" is for GW. Both parties have underqualified, deformed candidates.
How's a girl to choose?

Well, so...if you can't decide between the expendiferous dems and the magnificient reps, maybe you should go with a third party. Wait, what? It just got quiet in here. A THIRD PARTY THAT PERHAPS HAS SOME IDEA HOW TO FIX THINGS? WHAT IS THIS RADICAL NONSENSE!?!
Now before I get into this one, for more info on the Libertarian position, go to There's even a quiz to take if that's what will lure you.

Now, onto it. Harry Browne is yet again running for president on the libertarian ticket. Now, I hear you, why should you vote for this guy? This man who has never been on a televised debate because the big stations are too scared to put forth a man who could really knock 'em dead?
Well, lets take a few platforms. For one, the Social Security platform. Instead of allowing people to give away a big chunk of their paycheck which will go into a system which could fall apart at any instance, therefore losing them quite a bit of cash, the Libertarians believe you should be allowed to control your own money. If you plan right for retirement, you win. If not, well, too bad. And, if you plan right for retirement and someone else doesn't, bits of your paycheck won't go into Joe Loser's pocket.
Secondly, Self-Defense or the guns laws. The Libertarian stance on this is very simple, criminals will have guns no matter what you want to say. They'll be armed, and you can't stop it. So, stop screwing over people who just want to protect themselves.
The legalization of drugs though is something I really think though is a good idea.
"Will someone in your family be killed in the crossfire between warring drug gangs? Will your child be lured by the high profits available from dealing drugs, make one silly mistake, and end up spending many years in prison? Will you be terrorized by violent thugs who are released early from prisons that are overcrowded with non-violent drug offenders?"
That's right. Wait, our prisons are overcrowded with people who've done nothing but decide what to do with their bodies and minds? WHAT? The amount of money spent by politicians to control you is horrendous. You get so screwed for something that shouldn't even be considered an offense. And Libertarians are out to stop it.
Now, I hear the healthcare issue buzzing in my ear, so lets go. Libertarians think the government has NO business in the field of medicine. They realize that healthcare will be affordable if doctors don't have to put on a million acts for Johnny Law. They want to put medicine back into the hands of, wait, what's that, THE GUYS WHO SPECIALIZE IN IT? This will lead to lower healthcare costs and hospital stays will cost less. WHOO!
Education, pull the government outta there!
"Republicans and Democrats alike think your child should be cannon fodder in their plans to police the world. They have created the greatest national offense in history - capable of annihilating any country, bullying small nations into accepting agreements fashioned by our President, and imposing on other countries "human rights" that don't exist in this country. At the same time, we have a very weak national defense - incapable of protecting this country from any dictator who can get his hands on a nuclear missile."
Oh man, you mean the big parties want to control the world? Wow, there's a shock. Didn't George Washington warn against this? Lets see the Libertarian take.
"Libertarians do not want your children to fight or die in a foreign war. Libertarians do not want terrorists targeting your city in order to gain revenge on a meddling U.S. government."
So wait, you want to stop the US from going into countries and telling them what to do, and you at the same time also want to boost national defense instead of offense? And, you want American kids to be protected against war? So wait, you want to revert to taking care of your own people and problems instead of everyone elses????? MINDBLOWING!
"No matter how they rearrange the tax code, you and I will continue to pay through the nose for the politicians' fun."
Best line...ever.
Libertarians want to eliminate the income tax and pull big government out of taxation matters that should belong to state governments. They want to stop the government from policing people.

In conclusion, you should vote Libertarian because, they want you to be able to think for yourself. Libertarians want you to have the freedom to control your own life. If you want to make mistakes, fine, go ahead, but we won't pull you out. And same goes if someone else does. You don't have to fix things for others! You can privately aid someone, but don't pull people who don't want to have to support everyone else into it. Libertarians want you to live your life your way (as long as you aren't killing people of course).
So, why should you vote Libertarian? Because as it says in the Star Spangled banner:
"Ore the land of the FREE!"
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